March

Last month was a strange month!

The weather was constantly changing, which I suppose is typical of March, but it was much more extreme than normal.  We had a days and days of balmy weather interrupted by a rare snow day and then back to unseasonable warmth. For the first time ever John and I went to view the cherry blossom at night without needing to wear coats.

And the crazy weather led to sakura chaos. The flowers opened nine days earlier than normal, and the really shocking part was that they came several days before the officially predicted bloom date - which is usually very accurate.

On top of that, it seems like all my friends here in Tokyo are in the midst of different major life transitions. Some of them are happy, others are stressful or scary. But it's felt pretty chaotic lately.

For my own life I've been trying to relax and find the small pleasures each day. Some days that works better than others. But here are a few of the good things.

Celebrating our anniversary at The Park Hyatt

Tea at Chatei Hatou (Photo by Raku)

Cherry blossoms in Nakameguro

A mandarin orange daifuku

A Yokohama day trip

Yokohama in the evening

Five Years in Japan

This past weekend marked our fifth anniversary of moving to Japan. In the space of a single breath I can feel like it was only yesterday that we moved here and also feel like it's been ages that we've been living here. I say that every year, don't I?

I can still remember the days leading up to our move so clearly. Final goodbyes to friends and family members, the chaos and excitement and fear. I still remember eating breakfast in the airport before we boarded our flight. With memories so clear, it's hard to believe so much time has passed.

I remember the early days. When other expats would ask how long I'd been living here I felt so embarrassed that my answer was measured in months rather than years - like I had something to prove. I remember how much every single new thing felt like such an adventure and how heightened my emotions were. It was almost like been a teenager (or maybe a toddler?) again. I remember what a triumph it was to reach our third year here, because I had doubted we would make it through our second.

But now I've built up a history living here. The are so many things I will never forget, like the restaurant I sat in with Raku, drinking at lunch, as we watched the 2016 election returns come in. Or meeting my godson when he was less than a day old. But also small things, like eating udon with Raku every Christmas or the hilariously doomed hikes John and I manage to take ever year to celebrate our wedding anniversary.

I've been cleaning up all the photos on my phone, and coming across so many good memories. So here are just a few to celebrate the last five years.

 

What a Month

It's been over a month since I've posted anything. Strangely my blog traffic has been up during that time. I like to think that's because over time I've built up resources and valuable information about Tokyo. Or maybe it's just a mystery. But all of that's beside the point. I'm back and happy to be here. 

John and I went back to the US for two weeks just after I posted my last entry. We had some of the most messed up travel plans I've ever experienced, in both directions. But in spite of the inconvenience good came out of it on each end. Due to flight delays we were given a new itinerary departing Japan which gave us a 12 hour layover in San Francisco. My sister lives nearby so we were able to spend a day with her, eating, hiking, and seeing her new house, before heading on to North Carolina. Then a huge snowstorm snarled flights all along the east coast just as we were supposed to return, giving us another day with John's family.

Since I've been back I've been so busy with everything from mountains of laundry to celebrating my wonderful godson's first birthday. There was lots of baking involved! And then last Friday Raku and I participated in the Women's March in Tokyo. It received appallingly bad coverage in English. Both the attendance and REASON for the march were misreported in the Japan Times. Ugh. I honestly don't want to know what was reported in Japanese. But as frustrating as that was, Raku and I carried beautiful signs and marched in a group of 648 people (when only 100 had been expected) - men and women of many nationalities, sharing our concerns and showing our solidarity with marchers around the world.

North Carolina Snow

I made this!!

Double Birthday Celebration

Tokyo Women's March

Four Year Anniversary

Four year. That's the longest length of time that I've lived in the same place since before I went to college. With every year that passes I feel more and more at home in Tokyo. I've learned the rhythms and routines of the year. There's something comforting about watching the peaches disappear at the end of summer, being replaced by nashi (asian pears), and knowing that as the air turns colder the gingko trees are about to turn their stunning shade of gold. I have holiday traditions here. I have favorite places that I look forward to visiting again.

I guess I'm full of contradictions, because I love surprises, and I also like knowing what to expect. In the first couple years this blog was about all the things I was discovering and the things I was surprised by. There's a lot less of that now, though I'm certainly still learning, and always excited to share about it. Now though, I have a better idea of what's going on and how to navigate my life. With that has come more informative (I hope) posts on resources, reviews, and recommendations for both tourists and people living in Tokyo. But there's also been a slowdown in my posting, because fewer things seem out of the ordinary.

I noticed that a lot with our visitors over the summer. They would often point out unusual or hilarious things that I hadn't even noticed. But I could remember the days when I did notice them. One day John's dad asked me about the face masks everyone was wearing (a very common sight here, and a very common question from westerners). And although I answered automatically, "Mostly people do it to keep from getting sick, like hand washing. But some girls are just hiding breakouts or didn't have time to put on makeup this morning," I had to look around to see what had prompted his question - I hadn't noticed anyone with a mask on. But looking with fresh eyes, I realized that I had just stopped noticing. And I couldn't pinpoint when that had happened.

This year this year I've been noticing how normal life here feels. Somedays it makes me a little sad that this sprawling sparkling city has started to feel ordinary. But it also makes me happy. We haven't just skimmed the surface, we've spent four years here. We've built a life here. And that's pretty incredible.

The leaves are starting to turn!

On The Days When You Hate Being an Expat

It's totally unavoidable, and hopefully it's rare, but long after the culture shock has faded and you're totally used to your expat existence, there will be moments, probably days, when you absolutely hate your adopted country.

In the last couple weeks I've had conversations with a Japanese couple who lived in the United States for three years, and an American who lived in London for four years, and I was really struck by how universal our experiences were even though our situations were all quite different. No matter how much you like the place you are and how happy you are on a regular basis there will be moments when expat life gets the best of you.

Days when instead of looking out the window and seeing this:

All you can see is this:

It's usually tipped off by something trivial, maybe so small you're embarrassed to even text your best friend about it. Perhaps you're crying because you tried so hard, but still didn't get to watch your own country's gymnastics team compete in the Olympics. It might make your blood boil or it might just leave you feeling devastating. If you're really lucky, you might alternate between the two. You start to really worry when the frustration overflows and you find yourself hating the entire country and even worse the locals. Is being an expat making you a borderline racist?

The good news is, probably not - your emotions are just going a little haywire. So what do you do when the hatred strikes?

1. Allow yourself to really feel your feelings
It's easy to feel guilty for being upset over silly things. The fact that your Netflix isn't working really isn't a crisis is it? It is not really fair to want to kick everyone you see because someone made spaghetti sauce out of ketchup. With that guilt, it's easy to push your frustration down and dismiss it, but that's just a recipe for bottling up anger until you explode. If you're upset about something stupid, own it. Allow yourself to really feel that feeling, that's the only way to come out the other side. But don't wallow for too long. And DON'T become that foreigner that loves to complain about how "this country" is so terrible. Remember, the goal is to push through the anger.

2. Cheer yourself up
Give yourself something small to lift your spirits. Maybe you get that donut you never let yourself have. Maybe stopping at your favorite local shrine or park on the way home brings back your peace. Maybe it's fifteen minutes of cat videos. Maybe it's reminding yourself that your local ramen shop is so delicious that you would be devastated if you no longer lived within walking distance. Whatever it takes, put the breaks on the wallowing and do something that makes you feel better. Bonus points if it's something you can't do/get back home but you can where you live now.

3. Get to the root of the problem
Are you really in tears because you can't buy strawberries in the summer? That's a legit problem, and it's ok if that's all there is to it. I cry about amazingly stupid things all the time. But is there something more going on? Is the stress at work getting out of hand? Are you missing important things back home? If you can figure out what's setting you off, you can work on addressing that problem. For me summer is always the hardest. Tokyo summers are hot and uncomfortable and at the same time everyone in the US is posting gorgeous summer vacation photos. Other than Christmas, it's when I miss my friends and family most.

4. Remember your own flaws
Sometimes you're upset because things work differently where you live now. It can be hard to figure out new customs. They might be less efficient. They might annoy you for any number of reasons. Maybe you find yourself paying cash at the gym for yet another month because your signature still isn't a carbon copy match of the signature that bank has on file. Maybe you're irrationally annoyed that the person beside you just ordered a bowl of rice as side to their ramen.

This is a big one. Take a deep breath and think about the culture you grew up in. What nonsensical things do you do? What might totally irritate or baffle someone who hadn't grown up there? The rice with ramen used to boggle my mind, until I realized that I think spaghetti is best accompanied by garlic bread. (The real takeaway here? Everyone loves carbs.) I still can't remember who said this, but I love the quote that when living in another culture you will never truly understand it, but you may come to understand your own.

Recognizing things about my own culture really helps diffuse my own frustration. It also helps me snap my perspective back into place - where the people around me are humanized, and I am reminded that no matter how different we are, at the core we're all the same.

5. Do something productive
If you've got a lot of anger to burn off go for a run or clean your whole apartment. If you're obsessing over the same thoughts write about it (perhaps a useful blog post). If you're not succeeding at cheering yourself up, do something nice to cheer someone else up.

6. Know when to pull the plug
This is obviously a drastic step, and I don't recommend it to most people. But there are times when an expat has reached their limit. They aren't happy, all they do is complain about their adopted country or rant about how their home country does it better. People around them might wonder why they haven't already left. It can be complicated and intimidating to make such a big life change, but if you're truly so unhappy, it's time to consider making a move to improve your life.